“What happened? How did it all started? How did you know you got cancer” are often the first similar questions I get after sharing with friends and loved about the doctor’s diagnosis.
I was told long ago that it’s a good habit for women to always conduct breast self-exams in the shower. In case I feel any lump, hard-knot or thickening in my breasts, then I should consult with a doctor right away. (I must say I’m good at doing the first one but quite reluctant to see a doctor). Early in August, I started feeling this lump on my left breast. I really didn’t mind even when my husband kept reminding me to make an appointment with our family doctor as soon as possible; I thought it could be just like last year when I had one but it disappeared after a week.
It’s mid August; Lukasz, Alexander and I drove 14 hours to south-west of Poland for a family visit, headed specifically to the historical region of Silesia where my husband was born. We also celebrated Alexander’s 3rd birthday at my mother-in-law’s home with all his cousins, aunts and uncles and of course his loving babcia (Polish term for grandma, pronounced as ‘babcha’). Our stay in Silesia till the end of August was one of the best holidays I’ve had so far in my husband’s hometown. (Perhaps that’s also because I kept my promise not to do some work during this particular holiday!)
Holiday’s over and we’re all back in the Netherlands! I noticed the lump on my left breast is still lingering around. It also felt harder and bigger. I felt no pain, but it’s starting to bother me. That’s when I decided to follow my husband’s advice and have it checked. I called our family doctor, a general practitioner (GP), and luckily was able to make an appointment dated September the 5th.
The GP wasn’t sure what the irregularities are, so she recommended that I go for a mammography test at Alrijne Hospital in Alphen aan den Rijn, about 15 minutes walk from where my family and I live. Mammo comes from the Latin word mamma, which means breasts and -graphy from the Greek word graphein, which mean to write, record or represent. Hence, a mammography is basically a screening test for doctors to see any abnormalities in the breasts. I did the mammography a week after my GP appointment. I had no clue it entails pressing and squeezing my breasts flat front and sideways! (Oh dear! I felt so sorry for my breasts!).
Something is suspicious, says the Dutch male doctor who came in the room where I wait for my mammography results. (Well yes, the fact that a male doctor comes in and telling me he needs to feel my breasts sounds suspicious to me!) But of course I’m aware that them doctors – male or female- must already be used to seeing body parts of all sizes, forms and all sorts, so I just have to let him do his job. The mammography tests showed definite abnormality of tissues both on my left and right breasts, but it can’t really tell whether they are benign cysts, solid or fluid-filled lumps. To rule out the possibility of a benign cyst, the doctor conducted an ultrasound test. Press on the left and on the right, hands up, hands down, check on my lymph nodes, push the probe here and around the breasts and done! It’s definitely not a cyst, says the doctor.
The next thing I heard is that I have to undergo a biopsy at the Alrijne Hospital in Leiderdorp, about half an hour drive from home. Before I left the hospital, the doctor was so kind to explain to me that during the biopsy procedure, I’d get punctures on my breasts with a special needle to extract pieces of tissues from the suspicious area for further analysis. I nodded and said, ‘okay’. But to be honest, the mention of a biopsy alarmed me quite a bit that I didn’t really hear the rest of what he was saying. For few seconds, I thought, ‘Never mind. I’ll consult Google later about other things I need to know about biopsy’… because my mind can’t really seem to process every information coming in at that moment.
On my walk back home or rather walk to a friend’s place first to pick Alexander up before heading home, thoughts of the many possible ‘’What IFs’ came to mind. What if I have breast cancer? What if the tumor is incurable? What if the doctor will later tell me the number of months or years I have left to live? What if this year is my last? How could I not celebrate my 38th birthday?!!! Thankfully, the calm, positive side of me took over and reminded me there’s no need to worry. I still need to take the biopsy test, which was scheduled right away on September 15th. Who knows? The results could just be negative.
So Friday the 15th of September came and I surely felt very anxious. Alexander need not to go to school that day, babysitter happened to be on holiday, and my husband was out of town that week for work and will be back from Germany only early evening on Friday. So I have no choice but to bring Alexander with me to the hospital even though I was advised not to do so.
As soon as I got up that Friday morning, I messaged Mercy, a Filipina friend who also lives in Alphen; I told her what I needed to undergo that day and that I need someone’s help to look after Alexander while I have the procedure. God is merciful indeed! Mercy took a half-day off from work so she could accompany me and Alexander to the hospital for my 2pm appointment.
How it was like that whole afternoon was awful! Before I entered the room for my biopsy, the medical staff informed me that I’d be punctured 4 times in total- 2 on the left breast and another 2 on the right. Just imagine being pricked on your breast with a long, thin needle. Once the needle reached the suspicious area, which I can see on the monitor, a syringe is used to draw out fluid and cells, which were then sent immediately for analysis at the laboratory. I was not given anesthesia for the 1st and 2nd punctures both on my left and right breasts. To divert my thoughts from the pain I was feeling, I thought of that one beautiful experience with my husband and my son had in the Philippines earlier in February; we were at that beautiful beach of Kota Keluarga in San Juan, Batangas. The weather was warm and sunny, the air is fresh, and it just felt like paradise!
Things can go wrong at the hospital, even when you’re with so-called experts. There were no cells aspirated from those first 4 punctures I was administered. That meant the pathologist had to do another round of 4 needle biopsy aspiration! I wanted to cry, but I needed to stay brave. Anyone can make mistakes but all I asked from the pathologist is to do it right this time. Luckily, he did and this time with anesthesia! I wanted to complain and express my frustration, but I know that it would not help. I even thought of the possibility that this pathologist is inexperienced or worst a student. But even so, my positive self told me it’s okay; if he happens to be on the very early stage of his practice and indeed inexperienced, then I’m happy to be part of his learning experience (sort of his guinea pig) if that’s what’s needed for him to become a real expert pathologist.
I didn’t expect to be lying there for hours. I noticed different medical staff coming in and out of the room for some reasons. So I asked for a covering because it’s also getting cold especially with my exposed upper body. Finally, after 8 punctures on my breasts, the biopsy procedure was over and I just had to wait for the results. I was asked to head to the other room to hear more of what’s going to happen next. Two ladies in their white uniform came in with worried faces. One of them asked if someone is with me and I told her it’s my friend and my son waiting for me at the waiting area. She asked if I want them by my side before she breaks some news. I said, ‘it’s okay, they don’t have to.’
Her breaking news? ‘I’m very sorry to say that you definitely have breast cancer, and that’s all I can tell you for now,’ says the lady doctor.
The pathologist had to further analyze the extracted tissues to know more as to the type, stage, size and other details the doctors and I all need to know… and that took another 3 days of waiting.
So what now?
As soon as I heard I have breast cancer, it didn’t really sink in right away. If I have to watch myself from above, I can see a blank facial expression wanting to burst out in laughter for a really funny joke. I heard others say that cancer is not a matter of ‘if’ but ‘when’. And there it struck me! My time has come.
The fact that human beings haven’t figured out yet what the real cause of breast cancer is (among other types of cancer) despite all the thousands of research and millions or even billions of patients diagnosed with this life-threatening disease really puzzles me big time! It’s like a lottery that no one wants to take part in, but given no choice, you’ll ‘win’ it anyway when you least expected it.
While waiting for the rest of information from the biopsy results, I can’t help myself contemplating on the thought of death, to be honest. Have my last days come? If so, am I ready?
The thought of joining our Creator in heaven gave me peace. In fact, there’s really no other place I’d rather be than with our Heavenly Father above or wherever He is. But the thought of leaving my family behind, my loving husband and beautiful son is unbearable. I want to live longer and spend more time with my family, to watch my son grow to be a fine man and my husband and I to age gracefully and experience more of life’s beauty. But whatever turns out to be the case, my inner self says it’s both win-win situations for me. Having said that, I prayed and told God that my heart’s desire is to fight for my life and live longer for my family. Perhaps a hundred years will do!
As of now, I have committed to win this battle for God’s glory. So bring it on, breast cancer!
And the next commonly asked question is: “How do you feel?“
